My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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