but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
