Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I haven't been this sober since birth.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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