3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Princesses don't give blow jobs
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
