If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Sorry my hands just texted you
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
