I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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