I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
