First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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