Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
