My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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