guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
