You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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