Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
