I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
