Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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