remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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