After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
