She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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