i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
