I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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