i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
