someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
