Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
