spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
