I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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