i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
