and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
