how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Randomize
