I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Randomize
