just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
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