I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
