I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
