I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
