Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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