In the future we'll all be gay
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
The Olympian is in my bed
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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