My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
this hospital has no fireball
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Randomize
