I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
