Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
