so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
