I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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