I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
