I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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