Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
