haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
im holly from the hills drunk
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
