I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
