I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
