Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
