I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
