if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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