Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
drinking out of a sandbucket again
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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